Friends on same career path resent each other

DEAR HARRIETTE: My close friend and I are both actively seeking employment in the same city and industry. We both recently lost our jobs at the same company and have been looking for about two months now.

We live in New York City and have a shared circle of friends we are networking with and asking around for open positions. It seems to have stirred up feelings of competition and tension between us. We’ve always been supportive of each other, but now that we’re vying for similar positions, it feels like a different dynamic has emerged.

There’s an unspoken sense of rivalry hanging in the air, and it’s starting to affect our interactions. Conversations that used to be filled with encouragement now seem tinged with underlying resentment and jealousy when one of us gets an interview. I value our friendship deeply and want nothing more than for both of us to succeed, but I’m struggling to deal with this tension. How can we maintain our support for each other while also pursuing our individual career goals? — In Competition DEAR IN COMPETITION: Sadly, when people are in desperate circumstances, it can bring out the worst in them. I recommend that you stop telling each other when you have interviews.

Let your job searches be individual experiences that you keep to yourself. Begin to expand your network as well. Go to events in your industry, and meet people outside of your inner circle who may prove to be good contacts for job opportunities. Pursue your next job independent of your friend.

When you find a job, do let them know. If you hear of jobs they may like, share that information. If your friend gets a job before you, sincerely congratulate them.

After you both are settled into new positions, you may be able to rekindle your friendship.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 85-year-old mother just passed away two weeks ago. In her will, she made the unexpected decision to leave her entire estate to the church, opting not to allocate any portion of her assets to her three children.

Understandably, my siblings and I are feeling a mix of emotions: grief over the loss of our mother, confusion about her decision and a sense of frustration. While we respect her right to distribute her assets as she saw fit, we can’t help but feel hurt by her choice to exclude us entirely. Adding to the complexity is the fact that we all could have used the financial support her estate would provide. Whether it’s paying off debts, covering educational expenses or securing a more stable financial future, the inheritance would undoubtedly have alleviated some of the burdens we currently face. How do we come to terms with our mother’s decision and find closure in our feelings of loss and confusion? — No Inheritance DEAR NO INHERITANCE: You may never fully understand why your mother chose not to share her wealth with any of you.

Of course it hurts. What you must do is accept her decision. Clearly, she was a woman of faith. She must have thought that the church was the source of her strength. You and your siblings need to find that same strength in each other as you mourn her loss and forge a path ahead. Choose to grow closer to each other as you heal. Consider grief counseling to help you sort through your feelings.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams.

You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole. com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.