Drug addiction, violence are tearing family apart

DEAR ABBY: My elderly father died recently. Although he had a variety of ailments, including heart disease, his death was unexpected. He spent many years of his life trying to save my drug-addicted, criminal sister from herself. Despite occasional periods of sobriety, she has invariably returned to her evil ways.

Three days before Dad passed, he was again trying to bail her out of a situation involving people she knew who stole her car. While Dad was driving her, she lost her temper (again) and struck him multiple times as my mother (on the phone) begged her to stop. Dad died a few days later, perhaps not from the assault, but his body just said, “Enough!”

My sister is now sinking her teeth into my mother like she did my dad, and I don’t know what to do. I want Mom to cut her out of her life before this happens again, but Mom says, “She’s still my daughter.” Please advise. — BETTER SIBLING IN NEW JERSEY DEAR BETTER SIBLING: Your sister IS still your mother’s daughter as she was her father’s. Point out to Mom that in spite of all the years your father spent bailing your sister out, her behavior never improved. Often when we love someone, our instinct is to try to rescue them. Unfortunately, as your sister’s addiction problem has proven, that rarely works.

Please find where the chapters of Nar-Anon are located in your vicinity and invite your mother to go with you to some of the meetings. It is a 12-step program for family and friends of addicts. You can find the information at nar-anon.org. If you do, it could save not only your sister’s life but also your mother’s.

DEAR ABBY: I was married for 25 years before I got divorced. We had three children. I begged my ex to be a better dad, although I knew it probably would not happen. Currently, he has no contact with any of them. He alienated them for different reasons, and his new wife has caused some issues.

Recently, my youngest daughter (who is 36) gave birth for the first time to my new granddaughter. She had a very difficult pregnancy and almost died. Four or five weeks after the delivery, she had a major blood clot in her leg and again almost died.

I think her dad should be notified by letter. However, all of the kids insist they want nothing to do with him. He has my daughters’ phone numbers but not my son’s, so he could call them.

At one time, he stated that HE doesn’t have any kids, they are MINE. What do you think? — LET DOWN IN MINNESOTA DEAR LET DOWN: I think you should stay out of this! If your ex had wanted anything to do with his children, he would have been present for them. Your children are adults now, and they are able to decide on their own with no help from you how they want to conduct their lives. Frankly, I have a strong hunch that trying to involve their father now would only bring more pain than he has already caused.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a single retired grandfather in the South. My daughter, 50, has hitched her wagon to an alcoholic. She’s circling the drain and going down with him.

My grandsons are adults and scattered around the country. They are lazy and none of them has a full-time job. We used to keep them during the summers until their mid-teens. Now I don’t hear from them unless I call, and then it’s just a bunch of one-word answers — “Fine,” “OK” and “Yup.”

My daughter has no retirement savings or company retirement plan. She doesn’t call either. She lives four hours away. I’m certain my home, property and possessions are their planned retirement accounts. All I need to do is die. I worked my entire life, spanning a couple of full careers, and I owe nothing to anyone. I have visions of my possessions being destroyed by a couple of alcoholics or sold off for quick cash.

I have decided my estate will all be donated to my favorite charity, a worthwhile cause where it will truly mean something to people who care. Should I let my daughter and grandkids know now, so they have an opportunity to change course and prepare, or let them be surprised after they don’t go to my funeral?

— DISAPPOINTED GRANDPA IN FLORIDA DEAR GRANDPA: I will assume that you have put your decision in writing and your lawyer is aware of it.

Your daughter should be informed, in the context of advance planning, who will be the executor of your will, what kind of funeral or memorial you intend to have, where you have arranged to be buried and how you will be disposing of your assets.

If you are concerned that it will degenerate into an unpleasant conversation, ask your attorney to serve as a buffer and do it for you.

I guarantee that word will reach your grandchildren like wildfire.

Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com.