Friendship with boss came with steep emotional toll

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community, befriending a neighbor whose initial kindness and generosity impressed us greatly. When the neighbor learned I was unemployed, his influence enabled me to secure a position with his company.

In a professional setting, however, the neighbor revealed a personality that was manipulative, condescending, backstabbing and mean-spirited, often reducing colleagues to tears with his profanity-laced tirades.

His was literally a Jekyll and Hyde transformation.

After a decade of his tyranny and the suicide attempt of a colleague he had mercilessly badgered, I accepted a position with another company, and later retired to another state. Since then, he has contacted me at regular intervals to say he misses us as neighbors and friends and would like to visit.

While working for his company financially empowered us to make future plans previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to prioritize gratitude over the memories of the emotional abuse to which he subjected my co-workers and me.

My tenure there had a negative impact on my health, and I have no desire to relive the experience merely to nourish his ego. My partner suggests I can tolerate anything for a few days. Am I wrong to feel otherwise? — HESITANT IN ARIZONA DEAR HESITANT: When your former boss asks to visit, politely decline. If he continues to pursue it, that will be the time for a frank conversation with him.

When (and if) it comes to that, express that, although he was kind to you personally, his tirades and the fact that he nearly drove a co-worker to suicide were the reasons you left the company, which is why you prefer he not visit.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 25 years and I have become political opposites over the past several years.

We watch different news networks and media. It has grown increasingly difficult to have any conversation with him without politics entering the discussion.

As a result, I avoid talking to him about anything, and it is straining our marriage.

I also prefer to go to social events alone, because he brings his political views into even the most casual conversations with people we are meeting for the first time.

Have you any advice on how to address this problem? I don’t see it getting any better after the elections, regardless of the outcome.

— OPPOSITE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS DEAR OPPOSITE: Marriages can fail because a couple’s divergent beliefs about what is important have driven a wedge between them that can’t be bridged. In most marriages, a degree of compromise can be reached. If you and your husband are having trouble doing that, marriage counseling may help you figure out how to navigate your political differences. If you cannot do that, then you and your husband have some tough decisions to make.

DEAR ABBY: I am very close to my oldest sister’s three sons, especially “Lucas,” who is 38. He and I have communicated often and have seen each other (we live in different states) over the years. In a way, I have been his confidant. He knows I love him like a son.

Lucas is a professional in a big city and earns excellent money. He’s wellliked and enjoys going out with friends. We haven’t seen each other in a year and a half, and our phone/ text communications have dwindled to nothing. When I spoke with him briefly a month ago, he was visiting my sister. He shared that he was having a “hard time” and said he would call. I have reached out, but he has not responded.

A month ago, his brother’s wife confided to me that Lucas has lost a lot of weight and has been struggling with a meth addiction. I was shocked and contacted his brother to confirm that this was true. I almost hopped on a plane to see Lucas, but it’s clear that he’s avoiding me.

My family typically handles things with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” strategy. I’m very much up front (I’m a licensed mediator). I also have learned much about addiction, and I’m very concerned about Lucas. I have been having stress dreams about this. I am also struggling with letting my sister know, but I’ve been waiting to speak with Lucas. I’d really appreciate any advice you have. — WORRIED AUNT IN CALIFORNIA DEAR WORRIED AUNT: It is possible that your sister already knows about her son’s addiction, particularly if it has wrought physical changes. However, if she doesn’t know, I do not think you should be the bearer of this news. This is something Lucas must do on his own.

I also think it would be a mistake to force an in-person encounter with your nephew. If you would like to reach out to him and remind him how much you love him and tell him you know what is going on, I see no harm in that. If, in the course of your profession, you have information that could benefit Lucas, by all means offer it.

But freeing himself from his addiction is something he is going to have to do on his own, when he’s ready.