Blowup with fiance reveals true status of relationship

DEAR ABBY: I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We broke up for a while, but got back together and have been doing great, and we got engaged six months ago. Last week, we had a huge fight, where all my bottled-up resentment came out. I have tried to communicate my needs, but while he changes briefly, things always revert back to the same.

We’re supposed to get married in nine months at his parents’ place, but after the fight, thinking we were done, he told them all our issues. Now they want us to postpone the wedding, saying we’re unstable. I had no issues with his parents before this. They loved me.

I’m furious that he ran to them instead of working things out with me. I feel like he did us a massive disservice by blabbing to his parents.

I have been asking for couples counseling for months, and he always refused — until now. I’m no longer sure I want to marry him. I feel like his parents have crossed a boundary, and so has he. What should I do? — HOLDING IN CALIFORNIA DEAR HOLDING: Be glad this has happened.

Your relationship with your fiance IS “unstable.” You now know that when things become difficult, he will run to his parents rather than try to work it out with you.

If this is a deal-breaker and you no longer wish to marry him, tell him it’s over. HOWEVER, if you think counseling could help the two of you communicate better, take him up on “his suggestion” and get a referral to a licensed professional who can give you premarital counseling. It’s an investment that could pay off in many ways.

DEAR ABBY: My close friend “Janine” complains to me about the horrible way her daughter speaks to her and always brings up the past. Janine has asked her daughter to forgive her for anything done in her childhood that has caused her grief. She has apologized hundreds of times, but her daughter won’t drop it.

Janine’s counselor told her to quit allowing her daughter to treat her disrespectfully, so she has stayed away with no contact. Now her daughter has reached out saying she really wants a relationship with her, but they would have to agree to disagree because she wasn’t going to change and knew her mom wasn’t going to, either.

Janine found religion years ago and she has changed. I told her she needs to establish boundaries for herself and not allow anyone to cross them. She is not really sure how to handle this situation and feels guilty about the whole thing. What’s your opinion on this matter? — PAINED FRIEND IN VIRGINIA DEAR FRIEND: Not knowing how abusive your friend Janine may have been to her daughter when she was young, I hesitate to render an opinion. I do, however, think it would be in everyone’s best interest if Janine would accept her daughter’s olive branch ON THE CONDITION THAT THEY SCHEDULE SOME SESSIONS WITH JANINE’S COUNSELOR TO MEDIATE. If they do this, it may be more enlightening and less painful for both of them, and it may open a healthy line of communication.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently bought our first house together.

It has an outdoor kitchen and other features he really likes. I like it too, but there have been some issues already in the first month or two. Lately, he’s been wanting to have BBQs and get-togethers for his family.

He invites all these people over who I don’t know.

I’m not comfortable having people over all the time.

He does it to show off the house.

I’m exhausted from all these parties. Although I have expressed to him that I’m not comfortable, he still does it without asking me. I have expressed my feelings and concerns, but he doesn’t seem to care. I am a private person and want to enjoy my home. We did have a housewarming party, but he always wants to have more.

I don’t know what to do anymore. He gets upset, and I’m always stuck cooking and cleaning. To him, I’m a party pooper and a grump. I just want my voice heard and for him not to be so selfish and a show-off. I also want him to consider my family, too. How do I cope? — PARTY POOPER IN THE WEST DEAR PARTY POOPER: A step in the right direction would be to quit playing cook and unpaid maid. Your inconsiderate boyfriend knows you don’t like doing it, so draw the line. Tell him you don’t like being ignored and will no longer tolerate the situation he has created. If he refuses to compromise, talk with an attorney about a plan for him to buy your half of the house. No law says this has to be your future.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been contacted by Child Protective Services in another state regarding a great-nephew I knew nothing about. Of course, they were hoping for placement or financial support for the boy, who is 10. I am 62.

I am not in a position to care for him, physically or financially.

The boy is my brother’s grandson. When my brother and his wife divorced, she took the children and disappeared. I have had no contact or information regarding my niece and nephew for 35 years. Now there is this child in need.

Would it be a good idea to ask if I could write to this child? I would be able to send birthday, Christmas presents and letters, but giving him full-time care isn’t possible. — CONFUSED

GREAT-AUNT DEAR GREAT-AUNT: There is so much detail left out of your letter. Where are this boy’s father and mother? Are they incarcerated or dead? Where is your brother, the child’s grandfather? Whether to initiate contact with this newly discovered relative and send him cards and gifts might depend upon the kind of living situation he winds up in.

Also, are you absolutely certain the person who contacted you is really from Child Protective Services, because it might be a scam.

Do nothing until you have spoken to other family members and ascertain the veracity of the information you received.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

Contact Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.