New boyfriend is still someone else’s husband

DEAR ABBY: I have started seeing someone I’ve known for years. On our first date, he told me he had tried multiple times to divorce his ex of many years. He said they live in different states, and each time he’s tried, something has gone awry.

I’m about to start nursing school, and what I want is a relationship of convenience to work around my schedule. We’ve talked about dating each other exclusively, but we agreed it won’t lead to marriage because he’s on his third and currently doesn’t have the funds to hire a lawyer to get out of it. I’m seeing him as a friend with benefits to hang out with. Is this relationship OK? — CHALLENGED IN UTAH DEAR CHALLENGED: You seem pretty clear about the casualness of this relationship. If it’s OK with you, OK with him and OK with wife No. 3, then it’s OK with me. OK?

DEAR ABBY: I live with a wonderful partner. We share the duties of building a beautiful life around us. However, our mutual friends seem to praise my partner, but not me. I wonder if this may be my fault. I always say good things about him, while I discover many negative issues raised about me. Once, when I confronted him about it, the response was: “Aren’t you talking about me with other people?” I have never said a bad thing about him to anyone. Am I creating a circle of hate around myself?

— CIRCLED IN MINNESOTA DEAR CIRCLED: No, you are not. If your partner has a complaint about you, he should discuss it with you rather than the people with whom you socialize. The expression “circle of hate” seems extreme, but your “wonderful” partner painting you in a negative light hardly enhances your image, and it should be stopped. That won’t happen until you finally draw the line and make clear that what he’s been doing is unacceptable.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a terrible habit. He loves to order dessert first and asks that it be served to him after the waitstaff takes everyone’s order. Last night, we were at a birthday party with 15 adults in a restaurant and he did it again.

They served a wonderful cake for dessert, which he enjoyed at the end of the meal, as well as his pie at the beginning when no one else was having anything but drinks. He says it wasn’t rude, but I disagree. Please, what say you? — BACKWARDS IN IOWA DEAR BACKWARDS: This may be less a question of whether your husband is rude for indulging his yen for sugar than is it healthy for him. How’s his weight? His blood sugar levels? Any diabetes in the family? What does his doctor think about it?

While ordering dessert before dinner and again afterward is unusual, I’m not sure it is rude. It may, however, be a bid for attention.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been friends with another couple for 15 years. We would see each other once or twice a week, alternating between each other’s home and occasionally out to dinner, where we took turns paying the bill.

Three years ago, we bought our dream home, and since then, our friends have stopped inviting us over to theirs. We have invited them countless times as we enjoy their company, but they have stopped reciprocating. They are also less likely to pick up the tab when we go out.

Once, we went three months without seeing each other. I wanted to see how long it would be until they reached out. They never did, so I relented and invited them over. They happily accepted the invite, and we had the good time we always do.

We spare no expense on food, alcohol and desserts when they come over, which we are happy to do, but this has become extremely inequitable. It’s not a matter of money — they earn the same amount as we do.

We have fun together, but I’m seriously starting to resent them for not making an effort toward our friendship. I am starting to wonder if maybe they aren’t really good friends and I should just give up, which really saddens me. Have you any advice? — MOVED OUT OF FRIENDSHIP DEAR MOVED: You stated that for more than a decade you and this couple lived in homes that were similar, until you moved away and upgraded your lifestyle. Has it never occurred to you that the reason these friends no longer invite you to their home may be because they are embarrassed about the comparison? They could also be jealous.

Consider telling them you always enjoyed visiting them and would like to do it again. Then cross your fingers and hope they’ll take you up on it. You stated that this couple has the same amount of income that you have, but it is unwise to count other people’s money.

DEAR ABBY: I walk with a cane and have difficulty standing since I had a bad accident. Our building has a laundry facility for all. I went to put my laundry in. There are two medium-sized washers. One had finished. The empty one rejected my laundry card, so I emptied the other person’s laundry into a cart.

The new neighbor returned and was upset that I “touched his laundry and didn’t wait for him.” When he demanded an apology, I said, “Write a note to the board.” I don’t feel obligated to teach a grown, able-bodied man what entitlement is. Your thoughts? — IN THE WASH IN NEW YORK DEAR IN THE WASH: Your neighbor is territorial about his things. Some folks are. Although he returned in a reasonable amount of time, you had no idea how long he would be and, because the other washer wasn’t working, you had every right to do what you did. You might have cooled this standoff by giving him the apology he asked for. YOU should write a note to the board, informing them that one of the machines in the laundry room needs servicing.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.