Penchant for tall tales drives siblings away

DEAR ABBY: I find myself increasingly less patient with my oldest brother and older sister. They lie incessantly about things they have accomplished, always making themselves out to be the best. It frustrates me to hear them say things that are not true.

For example, while dining in a restaurant, my brother told a group of guys that he was a Top Gun instructor. In reality, he retired in the Air Force, NOT the Navy. My sister claims she paid 100% of her college expenses, even though my parents actually paid two or three years of her tuition, room and board.

My husband says I should let it go because I see them only a few weeks a year. I don’t want to spend time with them because of their ridiculous stories. What is the best response when they say things that are simply not true? — CRINGING IN COLORADO DEAR CRINGING: A way to deal with this would be to take your siblings aside individually and ask privately why they feel the need to do this. Tell them it makes you uncomfortable when you hear them lie, and that they will be seeing even less of you if they continue doing it in your presence.

DEAR ABBY: I am 36 years old. When I was 30, I was engaged to a man who was 50. He was the only man I have ever been deeply in love with. He died unexpectedly from a heart attack, and I am still traumatized. I often relive that day in my mind. We were so deeply in love.

After that loss, I don’t see how anyone can ever compare to that. We were so comfortable with each other. He was gone too soon, and I cannot get past the pain. How do I move on, or will I ever? — SAD SURVIVOR IN MICHIGAN DEAR SURVIVOR:

Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your fiance.

You may need to talk with a therapist or join a grief support group to help you with the trauma of his death. Once you have done that, start socializing. If you open yourself to new relationships, you may meet someone with whom you are also comfortable and can trust.

I remember, years ago, a friend of my mother who was widowed twice and in a long-term relationship after that. One day, she commented, “I can’t get over it. My husbands were each so different!”

What she meant was each relationship was different, but they were all loving and enjoyable. With luck, this may happen for you as well if you allow it. You are still a young woman and have your life ahead of you. It is within your power to make it a happy one.

DEAR ABBY: We lost our 16-year-old daughter two years ago to leukemia.

It’s been a difficult two years. I am writing to ask if there are rules of etiquette for visiting a loved one at the cemetery? We go regularly. I decorate the area in front of her stone with holiday or seasonally appropriate decorations.

Other family members and friends visit as well, and most leave little trinkets or fresh flowers that I pick up and throw away when they wither, or bring home and put in our daughter’s room.

My problem is, one family member opens cards that have been left there for my daughter, and puts all sorts of cheap decorations around her grave. Recently, they put decorations directly on her gravestone which left large stains. We are now left searching for a professional to remove them, or her stone will need to be replaced.

I’m beside myself. This is where I go to talk to my daughter to feel closer to her. It took a year for her stone to be set. I took my time choosing just the right etchings and picture, and it’s a stone befitting our beautiful angel. Would it be wrong to set rules as to what people can and can’t leave when visiting my daughter’s final resting place? Can I tell someone they are no longer welcome to visit? — PROTECTIVE IN PENNSYLVANIA DEAR PROTECTIVE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your daughter. I hope the relative who damaged her headstone apologized for it and volunteered to pay for the services of the professional cleaner. If not, you should suggest it. And while you are at it, you can also explain what kind of mementos you feel are appropriate at the gravesite.

Understand, however, that while you have the right to state your preferences, unless there’s a guard watching your daughter’s final resting place, there’s no guarantee they will be respected.

Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.