New boyfriend has a hard time showing affection

DEAR ABBY: I lost my husband in the middle of last summer. He had a long illness with strokes and Alzheimer’s, and he was horrible to me. Out of our entire 40 years of marriage, we had only four good ones.

Over the last three years, a gentleman from work would help with things around the house that my husband could no longer do. He would talk to both of us and then go on his way. I took care of my husband 24/7 for the last two years of his life.

I see this man at work all the time. He lost his daughter around the same time I lost my husband. We carpooled and talked a lot. I bought him a tree this year for Christmas with presents (everyone in the vanpool gets presents).

The day after Christmas, we celebrated together. We have been together every day since. He treats me well. My children adore him. My ONLY hang-up is that because he hasn’t dated for more than 20 years, he isn’t very affectionate. Other than that, he’s great to me. If I mention that I like anything, he’ll buy it for me.

Do I take a man who has a hard time kissing and hugging me because he shows affection in other ways, or should I move on? I have lots of family, so even though I would be alone, I would never be lonely. — WONDERING IN THE WEST DEAR WONDERING: The man you have been seeing has a lot going for him. I don’t know why he isn’t affectionate, and neither, it appears, do you. Please have a calm, straightforward chat with him. Tell him how terrific you think he is, but the fact that he’s not physically affectionate (describe exactly what you mean by that) is a problem for you. He may not know how or not be able to give you what you’re looking for, but it would be a shame to end the relationship over anything that was unsaid.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s and dealing with an illness that can kill me. I’m OK with dying, and I don’t want any treatment. I just want to go.

I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression and self-harm since the age of 13. The problem is my children, husband and close family members. I don’t want to tell anyone about this, and I do not want sympathy.

I don’t want to leave my children and husband, but I don’t want them to see me get sick or die. I do not want them to cry. I prefer to deal with this on my own. Who knows? I might make it. Should I tell them what’s going on or leave them hanging? — CHALLENGED IN OHIO DEAR CHALLENGED: I am sorry about your frightening diagnosis. Please do not leave the people who love you hanging.

Your husband will see you growing weak and increasingly sick. Your children should be prepared, in an age-appropriate way, about the changes you will experience so they don’t think it is their fault.

Do everything you can to manage this disease, including talking to your doctors about your mental health history, and think positive, because you may, indeed, make it. If you do, your family will be stronger for it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a troubled older man. I was married with three children, but I drank too much. My wife and I divorced after 20 years of marriage. We were both flawed. I have been remarried and divorced since.

My children grew up, and we had a great relationship. I also had a great relationship with my grandchildren as well. Then, 10 or 12 years ago, my first wife began talking bad about me, telling stories of when I was younger. Some of them are accurate, but many are embellished. My oldest daughter joined her mother in the storytelling.

Over the past 41 years, I have had 40 years of (nonconsecutive) sobriety. I am 21 years sober at present. Those stories have grown to monumental proportions, and two of my children and several of my grandchildren no longer want to have contact with me. They say “a toxic person never changes.”

I have always worked, never been arrested, retired from a company, had a lifetime of volunteer activities in my community and am respected by most of my peers. I miss my family. What can I do? — LONELY IN MISSOURI DEAR LONELY: Your ex-wife has told these tales because she has an ax to grind. Her motives are not pure. Your oldest daughter probably witnessed some of the outrageous behavior you exhibited when you drank while she was quite young. If those are her memories of you, she has a right to repeat them.

However, it may be time for you to remind all of your grown children that you are no longer the person you were when you were drinking, that you have had 21 years sober and are not “toxic” (a term that is tossed about too frequently these days), and you would like to have a relationship with them. However, if they are unwilling, you will have to form other relationships so you aren’t completely isolated. Loneliness can be a killer.

DEAR ABBY: When my niece walks into a room, she immediately takes over any conversations in progress. Everyone has allowed this to continue, so I assume they are OK with it. However, I find it extremely rude and disrespectful. I have often gotten up and gone home rather than confront her, which appears to be condoning her behavior. Is there a way to confront her without her or the family getting mad at me, or should I just keep “going home”? — HURTING EARS IN OREGON DEAR HURTING EARS: There are two kinds of people in this world. The first are those who enter a room and say, “HERE I am!” The second are those who enter and say, “THERE you are!” The first individuals are self-centered. The second are people who are truly welcomed.

Because the family has condoned your niece’s behavior for years, I don’t think saying anything to her now would help the situation. For a quick exit, make sure your car is parked somewhere accessible.

Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.