Friend’s paranoid behavior raises alarm

DEAR ABBY: How do I tell my friend I feel she needs a mental health evaluation? She has been my closest friend for 20 years, and we have been through many trials together. She has been married for a couple of years to a man who seems very nice.

Abby, she is convinced that she’s being followed, but doesn’t know by whom or why. She tells me about terrible arguments she has with her husband because she thinks he orchestrated situations in public places.

For instance, she claims he seats himself in a position to look at other women.

The poor man is blind in one eye and has limited vision in the other. She also believes his ex-wife flirts with him and he is probably cheating with her, although they have been divorced for 20 years. She resents his contact with his grandkids and his family because of it. I should add that her mother was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s at around her age. It’s heartbreaking to watch. I have mentioned it numerous times, as well as suggesting she speak to a pastor (she thinks the church may be in on it) or a therapist, but she tends to dodge it. If I try to contact her husband, she will start to think I’m a traitor. I don’t know how to help. Please advise.

— TRAINWRECK IN ARIZONA DEAR TRAINWRECK: From your description of your friend’s paranoid and irrational behavior, she appears to be sick. Because neither you nor I are qualified to diagnose what has gone wrong with her, she needs to be evaluated by a doctor. It would not be betraying her to discuss this with her beleaguered husband, who may be at a loss about how to deal with her behavior. Rather than a betrayal, seeing that she gets help would be a tremendous favor.

DEAR ABBY: I am a “young” senior citizen (age 90). People sometimes think I’m in my early 60s because I look and act it. I have been widowed three times by women younger than I.

I recently met a woman I’m very attracted to. I think the feeling may be mutual. We have a lot in common. The first time we talked on the phone, the conversation lasted more than three hours. Last evening, I learned while talking on the phone with her that I’m older than her mother by one year. Would you advise me to “back off”? — JUST A NUMBER IN COLORADO DEAR JUST A NUMBER: If this woman’s mother is 89, she probably had her daughter between the ages of 20 and 30. This would make the woman to whom you are attracted between 59 and 69. I see no reason for you to “back off” or obscure your age. Because the two of you have a lot in common, enjoy the relationship. (If she’s brave enough to be with you after you have killed off three younger women, more power to her!)

DEAR ABBY: I recently reconnected with a colleague from work. We were friendly, but not really what I would call friends.

We reconnected on social media and have had lunch a few times. The problem is, she has become a very negative, aggressive, angry person. She spends our time bashing family, former colleagues and just about every service professional she has encountered. She refuses to stop talking about politics even though I’ve made it clear I’m not comfortable with it. The first lunch was bad, but I thought I’d give it another shot. The second lunch was worse, and I decided I wouldn’t reach out or make plans again. Then she made a comment that made me feel inclined to try to befriend her. She said she didn’t have a lot of friends.

Two or three lunches later, I just CANNOT keep doing it. I’m trying to rid myself of negative influences, some of whom are family members, and I don’t need to continue spending time with this individual. If she reaches out again, should I keep making excuses until she gets the hint, or should I be honest? I’m somewhat afraid of her because, seeing the way she bashes people, I know she would bash me to other people we know, and I could do without that. — MISTAKEN IN NORTH CAROLINA DEAR MISTAKEN: There is no reason to be unpleasant to this troubled woman. Start being busy when she contacts you. If she traps you by saying something like, “If your schedule is too full this month, how about next month?” make a date with her. If she starts bashing others, stop her. Smile and say, “Let’s talk about something else. Something PLEASANT.” Then continue being less available for longer stretches of time. When you become harder to reach often enough, she’ll eventually lose interest.

DEAR ABBY: My wife puts up with me, and I adore her for it. I have my challenges. I was involved in a head-on car crash 15 years ago and have suffered a number of longterm injuries from it. I can do most of what I want physically, but not everything. I have taken medications for residual brain issues from the crash and can become angry without much warning. I have had both family and individual therapy. I exercise, meditate (but not nearly as often as I should), take medications to keep me stable and have reminders in various places about what I should do and not do. I buy my wife flowers pretty regularly and stay playful often. I also take good care of our special- needs son. What other things would you suggest I do to help her know I adore her? — LUCKY GUY IN FLORIDA DEAR LUCKY GUY: Your wife probably already knows. But if you apologize when you fly off the handle, show affection, and tell her every day how much you love her and how blessed you feel to have her in your life, it will convey the message you want to deliver.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips.

Contact Dear Abby at www. DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.